Lost without direction....

Champagne bubbles and falling stars....

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 18:55:48 GMT

So a lot has happened this month. I went to Mexico. Christmas. Getting ready for school again. And in two days... New Years Eve. All my past New Years Eves have been pretty much disappointing. But this year, this year will be different. This year Matty, his younger brother, his brother's girlfriend, and I are going to New York City to watch the ball drop. I've been wanting to go for years and now I'm going with someone very special to me. It couldn't get any better. Yay!

Well, I don't know what anyone else got for Christmas, but if you want to go ahead and brag about it, like I believe everyone should, just comment this entry and spill your guts about all the kick ass things you got. As for me, well... My Mom got me this really kick ass jewelry box. It's this big, black, oriental style jewelry box that has gold accent paintings on it. It's simply breath-taking. My Dad's girlfriend got me this red, silk box filled with Japanese Cherry Blossom lotions, sprays, and soaps. It smells SO good! Matty loves it. My Dad, well... He didn't get me anything because he said that the car (the one I've only been waiting for two years to get) is my present. Grandma got me this really cute, pink hoodie. Pink! And my Matty got me the best presents ever. First he got me this leather traveler's journal which ,since I've gotten it, has gone everywhere with me. And the last thing Matty got me, is this gorgeous, onyx plated, Gruen Embassy watch. And if you know anything about fashion you know how beautiful these watches are and how NOT cheap they are. The best thing about this watch is... IT DOESN'T NEED ANY BATTERIES! YAY! If you know me, you know my luck with batteries. My Matty spoils me. :) I'm not gonna tell you what I got Matty because I'm sure he's gonna comment this.

Well, I'm off for now. I hope I get a lot of comments for this one. :)

Happy Holidays Everyone!!!

Christmas... A time of tears, saddness, drama, and lots of drinking....

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 22:28:17 GMT

MEXICO IS SO DAMN HOT!

I'm sweating my non-existent balls off over here. Not only that, but there is only three days until Christmas. How depressing.... *pouts*

I haven't seen my Matty in almost a week and I can't even call him half the time because I'm ROAMING! GRRR! I'm so sad. I got my Matty a super, happy fun Christmas present though. (Inside joke) Well I'm off for now. I'm able to drink legally over here. YAY FOR ME! WOOT!

I miss you, Matty! And I just want you to know.... You better not be thinking about picking the Germans up from the airport in my car. You'd be just damn crazy. Oh yeah.... I LOVES YOU!

P.S. Ask me about "Sex on the Beach". It's one story that's gonna make you pee yourself.

*muah!*

Battered and brusied, but still fighting hard....

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 09:15:18 GMT

Okay, so I know you guys are just absolutely DYING for an update on my life... Yes, I'm being sarcastic...

Recent drama...
So recently my Ex, the Marine, came home from Iraq. Let me tell you, that was quite an adventure. Long story, there was lots of drama and lots of tears.

Happy stuff...
Matty and me are looking into apartments now. I think Matty would rather we buy a condo. Even though they are pretty expensive, I think he has a logical point on the whole thing. We are so serious about getting our own place that we even went to Home Depot the other day and got those paint sample things. I even picked up a few Interior Decorating books. I'm really excited! :)

This is where I vent...
I am really pissed at a few people. I'm not going to name names, but you know who you people are. Don't you understand you are not wanted? Are you that stupid? Seriously, just go away. Stop calling and get on with your own lives! It's really fucking annoying.

Self-hate...
I'm really not happy with my body. I finally dropped some weight. I went from 125lbs to 115lbs. It's a big accomplishment for me. I've never weighed more than 130lbs, but I still feel so fat and unhealthy. I'm miserable in my own body. I'm really stressed out over school, work, living conditions, and issues with my past. I'm having problems with some medical conditions I have, but I'm scared to tell Matty. My health is really starting to wear me down. I'm really determined not to go back on medication, but I'm probably gonna have to start seeing a doctor every week again. Right now, I'll basically do anything to keep myself out of the hospital.

Motivation...
I'm trying to self-motivate the hell out of myself. It's kinda hard since I'm really pessimistic about everything. Matty yells at me when I get pessimistic. I'm going to make a list of things I need to get done and things I want to do. I'm slowly going to work on both of my lists. I think it will help me keep my life in order. I'm also trying to keep a routine. It's not working out so well since I'm having problems sleeping, but I'm trying.

Conclusion...
Even though things aren't so great right now, I still have to be thankful for the fact that I have my friends, my family, Matty, and breath in my lungs. As long as I have all of that, I'm sure things will be okay. Besides, I have things to look forward to like my double date with my best friend, Jordan, and his boyfriend. I am confident that things will get better, and like my Mom always tells me, "Have faith."

Fortunetellers love staring at my Crystal Balls...

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 13:17:16 GMT

My Horoscope...I found it interesting because it really fits the day....

Is your current love interest out of town, dear Leo? If so, you may spend much of the day feeling lonely and gloomy. Your friend misses you, too, so don't think you'll be alone for very long. Try to fill the hours until your partner's return with activities that you love, such as artistic pursuits. The time should then go quickly, and you'll be back together before you know it. Hang in there!

I once was lost, but now am found...

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 10:06:56 GMT

Untitled Poem No. One:

Standing in front of me,
is a dark figure.
He is screaming.
His harsh words rip through my body,
like jagged razor blades.
My skin is burning,
and yet I stand there motionless,
not knowing what to do.
I can not run.
I can not hide.
I am chained to this dark figure of rancor.
His screams of hatred fill my head.
"Why?" I ask him.
He does not respond.
He continues on with his rampage,
His eyes filled with animosity.
His screams become louder,
His words more painful.
Blood beings to pool at my feet.
Who is this man screaming words of such repugnance?
I know him...
I loved him...
He loved me...
Why is he hurting me so?
Tears being to stream down my face.
The pain is unbearable.
I fall to my knees.
The screams continue,
and so does the pain.
I cry out for help,
but to no prevail.
I feel cold...
I feel weak...
I can't take the pain any longer.
My body finally fails me,
and I collapse on to the cold, hard floor.
I lay there, surrounded by my own blood.
The room is getting dark.
His screams begin to soften.
I have accepted my fate.
I have given up.
I am going to die.
Suddenly, I am surrounded by a bright light.
This light...
It is so warm...
So welcoming...
In the center of this light is a figure.
It is reaching out to me.
As my last breath passes my lips,
I reach out to this figure of Hope.
A sense of euphoria rushes through my body.
I feel lighter...
I feel like I am floating...
I am floating...
I look down and I see the dark figure.
He is standing over my cold, lifeless body,
admiring the bane he has caused.
I look up and there before me I see two eyes.
Two eyes as clear and blue as the Earth's oceans.
"You are safe now." The figure says to me.
The figure now becomes clearer.
It is a handsome man with wings as dark as night.
"Who are you?" I ask.
He looks at me and smiles, "I heard your cries, so I came for you."
Together, we float up to the Heavens,
And as he holds me in his arms,
he whispers in my ear, "I will always love you."
Within those five words, whispered softly to me,
I found hope...
I found life...
I found love...
I was saved by an Angel with black wings.

This is dedicated to my Matty...

If anyone would like to give input, feel free. It would be very much appreciated.

Black and White Spiral Confusion... Such a blur...

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 08:44:24 GMT

My mind is racing... like it always does.

I have only one thing to say to all of you.... FUCK YOU!

To all of you who judged me...
To all of you who don't believe in me...
To all of you who hurt me...
To all of you who are trying to keep me down...
To all of you trying to interfere in my relationship with Matty...
To all of you who belittle me...
To all of you who think you are better than me...

I just want to make this clear to all of you rejects...

You are dirt! You are nothing! What you do to me only makes me stronger! Bring it on, you pathetic losers! I can take anything you dish out! Knock me down and I'll just get right back up and spit in your face! You know who you all are...

I hope you all read this and realize that you are playing with fire... and you're gonna get burned...

On the verge of puking a daisy......

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 21:03:27 GMT

Matty is sleeping right now. He's working an overnite for EB. That means I'm gonna be home alone tonite. It really sucks. I hate not having him in bed next to me. I'm so used to sleeping next to him every night that when I'm away, at my Mom's, or he's not here, it's such a challenge for me to fall asleep.

Well, I have my little Cortana to keep me company. She has gotten so big since we've gotten her. She even started growing these little transparent hairs all over her body. We'll still have to put moisturizer on her every once in awhile so her skin doesn't dry out.

I got a job yesterday. I am now an offical employee of the H&M in the Danbury Mall. It's my favorite store in the entire world and now I work there. How awesome is that! To celebrate our new jobs, Matty took me to really kick ass restaurant called Izumi's. I even got to drink Sake. It wasn't as bad as I've been told and it didn't kick in until we were leaving... Now that was a fun experience! I even got a whole bunch a compliments on this silk, wrap-around dress I was wearing.

To make the night even more complete is the passionate sex Matty and I had when we got home. I don't know why, but sex with Matty is always mind-blowing. In all honesty, Matty is the best I've ever had. I am SO not lying about that. The physical and spiritual connection we have is unquestionable. Matty will never fully understand how much I appreciate having him in my life. We've only known each other for so long, but I already love him so deeply.

EB just called and told Matty that he's not working tonite, so I guess I'm going to Mom's tonite. I'm going to lay with Matty, so I'll add more later. Bye!

So much sunshine, I think I'm going blind...

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 01:56:59 GMT

Today was a good day. It didn't start out too hot, but it def worked it's way back up to one of my better days.

I woke up earlier then I normally do so I could go have lunch with my mom. I called her to make sure that we still on, but when I called her she bitched me out for no reason. One thing I really hate is getting bitched out first thing in the morning. So after I hung up the phone, I threw the blankets back on me and rolled over so I could snuggle with Matty. He heard my mom bitch me out on the phone, so he knew I was in a bad mood so he rubbed my belly for me until I fell back asleep. I came to find out later that my mom had a fight with her boyfriend, and possibly broke up, and as sucky as that is for her it's nice to know that I didn't actually do anything wrong.

After me and Matty finally decided to get out of bed, we gathered up all his old games and movies and brought them to EB Games. It came out to a little over thirty dollars... SO WE GOT HALO 2! Woot! We beat the first one, in co-op, in fourteen hours. After EB, we ran over to Animal Kingdom to pick up some feeder mice for Artemis and Athena. While we were checking out, Matty stopped me and pulled me over to this woman who had a small cage of baby, hairless rats. I totally freaked! I have been in love with hairless rats ever since I got my Howard. The lady told me she was selling them for twenty dollars each. I gave her my number and a few hours later I got a voicemail and it was the lady calling me back. I was so excited! She told me that she would meet me outside the Animal Kingdom at seven o'clock. At six-forty, Matty and me rolled up to Animal Kingdom and there she was! I picked out this itty-bitty, baby, hairless rat. Matty and me named her 'Cortana' because that's the name of one of the characters in Halo. I'm so happy I have my little Tana! Thank you, Smoochies!

I'm gonna bring her to my mom's job tomorrow to surprise her. She's gonna freak out! In a good way... :)

The Skies are clearing...

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 18:32:01 GMT

It's raining today and it makes me really happy. The rain is a sign of new beginnings and purity, and that is exactly what I need. I kinda want to go for a walk in the woods behind Matty's house. I wanna feel the rain on my skin. It's so calming.

Matty is sleeping right now. He started working yesterday and he absolutely loves his job. Things are starting to look up. For awhile I was worried. I felt like I was stuck in a cycle of sadness and disappointment, but now things are changing. I'm going to be getting a real, LEGAL job soon... as soon as my new car gets out of the shop. Actually, I'll have two jobs. I'm going to be working full time at BJ's, hopefully I'll get a managers position, and I'll also be working overnights at the Holiday Inn on the weekends. I'll be making the big bucks. Woot for me!

I'm really happy with Matty. I've never been in such a satisfying relationship. A few days ago, Matty asked me if I was really serious in our relationship. I was confused, at first, but then I thought he was going to break up with me... and seriously just by thinking that I started crying. So I asked my Matty why he would ask me such a thing and he told me that it didn't seem like I was serious about our relationship at all. I was hurt by that comment, but its understandable. I have never once been a healthy relationship and quiet frankly I never knew what a healthy relationship was until I met Matty. In all the relationships I ever been in there was nothing but drama, hate, and tears, with the exception of Shane, but he was more a friend to me then a boyfriend. I told Matty that I was sorry and that I'm really trying, and he told me that it was Okay he just wasn't sure. So now we're working on me and my lack of relationship skills. I'm so happy I could pee myself! HAHA! ...I'm not really gonna pee myself, so shut up you losers. :p

My Matty is up now so I'm gonna go cuddle with him before we decide it's time to get out of bed and face the world. Well... on the plus side I'm definitely going to be facing the world with a smile on my face because I have so much to look forward to now. And now I have my Matty to hold my hand when things get tough. :) I'm so grateful I have him.
He is my Angel and I love him with all my heart.

Singing is over-rated...

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 06:31:22 GMT

I don't think I'm going to sing anymore...

Some people just don't appreciate the little things you do for them. As small as they are they should mean something, but I guess they don't, so I'm just not going to sing anymore...

Or atleast not when someone is around...

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:32:37 GMT

When a heart breaks does it ever fully heal or does it scar so the hurt that was brought to it will never be forgotten?

My heart is breaking again and I want to run away. I'm in love with a Saint. I have sacrificed so much for my Saint. A job, a lifestyle, friends, and a family. I gave it all up for him because I wanted him to be happy. Now I sit here questioning his love for me. Does he really love me or am I just replacing something that he has lost?

Why do you get so quiet after you've talked to her? Why do you talk about her so often? Her problems aren't your problems. Let her boyfriend deal with her problems because that's what he's supposed to do, just like you help me with my problems.

You told her "Goodbye", but it doesn't seem like you meant it. I wanted you to say 'Goodbye' to her of your own free will, but it seems more like I forced you. Did you really want to say goodbye? Did you really want her out of your life? It doesn't seem like you really did.

Why do you want to help her? You preach so much about Karma, but Karma can't happen if you are preventing it.

You ask me why I can't trust you. Look at my body, look at my heart, look at my past. Can't you see all the scars? And now I have a new scar and it's marked "Trish". Thank you for that...

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 07:38:38 GMT

So things are looking up for me. I offically moved into Cheese's house today. I'm so excited. I wasn't really planning on moving in so soon, but today I was supposed drive back up to Po-town and yea... that didn't quite work out. Like Cheese mentioned in his LJ I've been having some trouble with my car. Basically...it's dead. As soon as Big Dog hands over my new Saturn I plan taking my old Plymouth Sundance out back and shooting it. Yup. So back to the story at hand... As I was letting my plymouth roll down the hill to my mom's apartment, I was thinking "FUCK! What the hell am I going to do now?". I walked into the apartment and looked at my mom and the first thing that she said was "Call Matt". So I walked out to my dying car to smoke a quick cigg (just so you know it was raining like a bitch and I didn't feel like standing out in the rain), I speed-dialed Cheese. When he finally picked up the phone, without thinking, I asked him how he felt about me moving in... So at this point Cheese is on his way to rescue my ass once again. When we finally set out on our way to my new home all I could think of is "My god, what have I done?", it was just so random and so sudden. Half way through our journey, through the pouring rain, Cheese got a craving for a cappaccino. So we stopped at the Mobil. I'm pretty much panicking at this point. "Omg! Omg! What have I done?". As we set out on our marry way again, Cheese started singing. As soon as he started singing I couldn't help but stare at him, he kept making funny faces at me because he knew I was watching him. Down the drenched roads we drove and a sense of euphoria over came my body. Sipping Mobil cappuccino, singing "Raindrops", by Stunt, I couldn't help but realize that since I've been with Cheese I've been the the happiest and most comfortable I've been in a long, long time. So now I'm here in Cheese's room, typing this all to you, and all I can say is I truly am happy and I really don't regret this really sudden decision of mine. But for now I must go because Artimis, the snake, just bit Cheese on his mouth and I know Cheese is in need of some of my attention. ;p Goodnite!
*muah!*

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 06:57:42 GMT

Hello all...
This is my first entry. Cheese is probably so proud of me. I don't have much to really say right now, but I'm sure I'll think of a few things later. I am now going to attempt to make Mac'n'Cheese before passing out on my Mom's couch, so I'll give this another shot tomorrow.

Oh, one more thing.... DONG!